Today was a day that was a bit of a mental roller coaster for me. I woke up thinking about my website and ways to expand and grow it and was excited at how it has been going so far. I was talking about it with a buddy yesterday and when the weather gets a little nicer, I am going to start making some videos and uploading them to Youtube or somewhere so that you can see some of the things that I am describing instead of just telling you about them. I also want to try to find the right people to partner with to do a mobility challenge where I take one of my old chairs, or find an old manual chair, and have people try to not use their legs and do some daily standard tasks and see it from my point of view on how things work. This is not an original idea that I had, as I saw last year on one of the drag racing websites that I sometimes visit, that some of the drivers were partaking in this challenge and I guess it stuck in my head as a good idea. I don’t know how long such an event should last, whether to have someone try it for a short period with almost an obstacle course, or whether to have them try to do it for half or full day. I think it would be a very educational experience.
That was kind of the high of my morning, mentally preparing other ways to make a difference. I then hit a bit of a low point during the day when I got in my head and got feeling a little lonely. I know I am not the only one that is handicap and that a lot of other people have to go through similar things as myself. I have been single for a long time now and I find it hard sometimes to not blame that on being handicap. I know that it’s not healthy, and it’s also just an excuse, but it doesn’t exactly give me confidence either. I guess part of that, is why I have always been kind of shy. I guess I also look down on myself more than I should sometimes and I get a little self-conscious. I am an over thinker and that leads to me feeling like nobody seems to be into me and that I don’t have many options to change that. I know that there is “a lot of fish in the sea” as they say, but living in a small town makes it feel more like a small pond. I believe that it all works out how it’s supposed to, and that I will meet her when I am supposed to, and it gives me hope that it will change at some point. That hope doesn’t always keep me from having down days from being single though.
I got back on a little higher note as the day ended though, as one of my coworkers went out of their way to scrape the ice off the windows on my truck. I am grateful for all of the good people that I work with, as well as family and friends, that do in fact make my life a little easier. It hurts a little sometimes when family or friends almost seem to go out of their way to make it tougher on you, usually because they don’t understand what you require even though they are around you. I guess that is life and is part of what I am trying to change. I know I have said this a few times, but I haven’t talked a lot about a lot of this, so I share some of the blame, and I shouldn’t take it as personal as I sometimes do.
Overall I have found that I tend to be a fairly even keel kind of guy, that will have ups and downs, but can usually find my way back to center. I guess that is why I don’t think anything of working for a living or not giving up. It is funny in a way that I don’t use handicap as an excuse to work and do things, but I do as a reason why I am single. The mind is a funny thing sometimes. I guess I am a little bit of a fighter and a little stubborn, but I also refuse to only view life in a negative way. I am fortunate that my downs are always short lived, and not prolonged.